When ‘Sorry’ Isn’t Enough: Hard Truths About Forgiveness and Boundaries

Mistake + Apology ≠ Forgiveness.

That is a hard pill to swallow. We all want forgiveness.

Apology + Forgiveness ≠ Access

This pill might be harder to swallow!

In an ideal scenario (for the person apologizing), our heartfelt apologies will be accepted, forgiveness will be given, and things will go back to what they were before - trust is restored, relationships are mended, and there is no lingering damage.

But…that is not always how it works. Sometimes, the wound or the damage has cut deep enough that even if forgiveness is given, access to the person is no longer available - or is only granted in small cautious steps.

For the sake of clarity, this means that the harm caused has led the other person to establish a boundary with you. They feel unsafe, disrespected, or emotionally drained in some way and need to protect themselves. Boundaries are not about punishment; they are about self-preservation. You may not understand or even agree with a boundary that has been set, but it is essential that you respect them.

Here’s another truth - You do not get to decide how long a boundary stays in place. The reality is that our actions - whether intended or not - caused harm to another person and that person has the right to heal on their own terms.

I also regret to inform you that sometimes “sorry” will never be enough. Even with changed behavior, the impact of the damage is too great. It may not matter if you are family, how deeply remorseful you are, or how desperately you want to be forgiven. Some bridges, once burned, cannot be rebuilt.

Accept this, own your mistakes, and keep growing anyway!

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On the other side of things…

It’s okay to remove people from your life.

People who apologize but continue to repeat the same harmful or damaging behaviors, those who manipulate and create chaos, those who undermine your growth -these people do not necessarily deserve continued access to you. You get to protect yourself, your peace of mind, your growth, and your well-being.

You have to love and respect yourself enough to establish clear, unwavering boundaries that serve to safeguard what you’ve worked so hard to build.

A friend recently shared something with me that truly hit home. We were discussing people who refuse to respect boundaries, and he told me something that had shifted his perspective about this subject:

“If it comes down to you being mad or me being mad, I’ll choose for you to be mad—so that I can protect my peace.”

That resonated deeply with me. Since then I have applied it in my own life and shared it with friends who were struggling with similar situations.

Too often, we sacrifice our own comfort to spare someone else’s feelings - only to dismantle the peace we have fought so hard to create for ourselves.

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A final thought…

Life is funny and we are not immune to sitting on both sides of this at different times. Sometimes, we are the ones seeking forgiveness. Other times, we are the ones enforcing boundaries.

In both situations, growth is required.

If you’ve caused harm, take responsibility without expecting immediate access or forgiveness. If you’ve been harmed, grant forgiveness when you are ready (I promise, letting go of it heals) - but never feel obligated to restore access.

Forgiveness is a gift. Access is a privilege. And not everyone gets both.