The way I am
Have you ever pointed something out to someone that seems glaringly obvious as an issue and they say something along the lines of ‘this is just the way I am?’ Or maybe you’ve been told that something you do is frustrating and hurtful to those you love but you dig deep and say that it’s just the way you are.
Let me be extremely clear, “This is just the way I am” is a cop out. It is an excuse to avoid confronting behaviors and keeps us dodging the hard work that would be required for growth.
I once had a friend who stuck to this mindset in almost every single situation including stating that God had made her this way and so he couldn’t hold it against her on judgement day, so no one else had a right to complain about how she was. According to her logic, they’d be arguing with God and since God didn’t make mistakes she felt justified in staying the same. I’d chuckle and shake my head. I wasn’t going to argue the point. What would be the use? She was adamant and married to the “this is just the way I am” way of thinking.
Truth be told there is usually nothing easy about confronting a part of us that might not be so great. Often those behaviors we cling to were put in place to protect us. They are coping mechanisms - to avoid pain, in response to past trauma or past circumstances. They have become second nature to us. This is why so many attempts at self-improvement fail - THE WORK IS HARD. It requires us to face the parts of ourselves that feel natural, the pieces that we’ve built routines around, or that we believe protect us.
Having those parts of ourselves pointed out by others is hard too. Defensiveness is how we protect ourselves. ‘This is just the way I am’ becomes an excuse and an avoidance from the hard work and discomfort that comes with facing ourselves. When you stand in front of the mirror and see yourself and how your behavior is impacting those that you love, I hope it becomes obvious that putting in the work is a good option, maybe the best or only option!
We are insanely responsible for ourselves, our behaviors, our mindsets, our attitudes, our outcomes. That means we are also fully capable of creating change, if we are willing to put in the hard work. No one else can do this work for us. So how do we begin?
First, we realize there is an issue. Consider the feedback you’ve been given.
Next, we have to take some time to consider the issue, and its underlying roots. Ask yourself, why is this behavior part of me?
Once this has been identified we need to determine what steps we can take to create change. What are actionable steps for me to take to create the change I want?
Finally, you have to be committed to creating lasting change. How did I do today? This week? This month?
Lasting change requires dedication. Sometimes we won’t even address an issue until we’ve been hurt enough that change is the only solution left. The pain of staying the same is outweighs the pain of changing. Consider the addict who loses everything before getting clean and staying clean. Rock bottom.
As humans we have the opportunity for new experiences, new perspectives, new mindsets, learning new ways of approaching situations and resolving issues. We should be evolving. Growth should be our default. This is not to say that we should feel as though we aren’t enough - far from that. This is a call to action, when you find yourself trying to dig in deep and hold onto behaviors that harm you or others, it’s time for self-evaluation and hard work.
In my book, When Will She Be Better, I talk about this evolution. There were times I thought I had healed and figured things out and was better, but looking back I was able to see that I was still struggling in so many ways. I have seldom been a “this is just the way I am” kind of person. Many times, I had no idea how to fix myself, I have been on a lifelong journey of trying to improve.
Often when we start showing up better and working on ourselves, we think that being our best self is a destination. I’d argue that it’s the opposite, it’s simply where we are in our journey today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, five years down the road. There is no finish line - we should look back and be able to say “I’m the best version of me that I’ve ever been! “
When I address an issue, I see results. I get to see the work I’ve done has created positive change. My relationships improve, my inner peace grows and I find myself wanting to protect that. The small wins build so that I want to keep improving. Self-improvement isn’t a one time event. So frequently we fix on piece, and another is revealed that we need to address. It is an ever-evolving process!
This work makes me think of video games and unlocking new levels. In video games you have a level you need to beat before you can move to the next level. You may try, and fail, and try again. Sometimes you have to ask a friend to help you through a tough level, or you look up strategies to figure out how others have successfully beaten the level. In life, we have to keep trying, to keep improving. Often, we look to loved ones or mentors or we find new tools that can help us grow.
Each version of yourself should be a better version than the one you were before. You are a work in progress. The goal is simply to be your best today and then, new experiences and opportunities will present themselves and challenge you to grow even more. I would encourage you to to seek opportunities to improve, to take time to enjoy and celebrate your progress, and leave behind the excuse of “this is just the way I am.”
