Intrusive Thoughts: The Thoughts We Fear to Speak

Intrusive Thoughts - those unsettling thoughts that come out of nowhere that have no good reason to be there. We all have them from time to time, but for some, they can be overwhelming and disturbing, interfering with your daily life in ways that feel isolating.

In my book, I share my journey of healing from childhood abuse - an arduous process that often felt as if it were going nowhere with no real progress being made. Since the moment I got my driver’s license at age 16, I had one recurring intrusive thought that haunted me frequently. Several times a week and sometimes even daily, I’d have the disturbing and intrusive thought that left me feeling a deep sense of guilt.

I only experienced the thought when I was driving alone. It came in quick flashes before I’d shake my head, as if the motion could erase the thought like an old Etch-A-Sketch. For years the cycle continued, and though I was not suicidal, I would think, ‘I could just turn the wheel, hit a telephone pole, and this would all be over in an instant.’

Every time the thought would occur, I would shake my head, pushing the thought away, and be left wondering why I was like this. I knew it was tied to my childhood trauma, but for the life of me, I couldn’t make it go away. Add in some deeply engrained Catholic guilt, where even the thought is a sin, and soon I was in a confessional pouring out my soul and my shame to a priest His advice? Pray and meditate on the gift of life that had been bestowed on me.

To be clear: This did not feel helpful in any way.

I did not share this struggle with a therapist, nor with friends, nor with my husband. It felt like something was deeply wrong with me. I was no longer in an abusive environment, I was safe. So why wouldn’t this awful thought just go away?

The truth is, I hadn’t yet processed the full impact of my PTSD, anxiety, or depression. I falsely believed that healing meant returning to the person I was before the abuse, as if I could undo a decade of trauma with enough time and effort. But healing doesn’t work that way!

Today, we have many forms of treatment available - Cognitive Behavioral therapy (CBT), Exposure and response prevention (ERP), Medication regimens, and mindfulness practices to name a few- but there are no one-size fits all solutions. Healing is deeply personal, and different approaches work for different people.

In my search for healing, I sought out various means. I attended a retreat for survivors of sexual abuse, I worked with a corporate coach who helped me identify and work through some of my triggers, I read books. I pursued a social work degree, learning more and more about trauma as I worked through my own. I kept showing up for myself, even on days when that felt impossible.

One evening, a few years ago, I was driving home from work. I passed a crew of workers that were replacing a telephone pole. In that moment, something clicked, I could not remember the last time I had that intrusive thought. How could that be?

For years, it had been present, almost every time I drove, and now, I had no idea when I had experienced it last. I retraced my memories, thinking of my daily commutes, holidays, significant life events. As I considered these things I slowly realized it had been eight or nine months since the last time the intrusive thought had occurred. I was stunned. I was also excited.

When my husband arrived home, I excitedly told him the news. He looked at me with confusion. He was shocked, rather than understanding my relief because he was fixated on the fact that I had struggled with this for so long in silence. We talked through it. I explained why I hadn’t shared these thoughts. In the days, weeks, and months that followed I had the opportunity to share this with different friends and to my surprise, some confided that they, too, had intrusive thoughts that were similar in nature and that they too suffered through them in silence out of fear and shame.

I cannot pinpoint exactly why the thought disappeared. What I do know is that my journey has led me down a path where I must face myself, sometimes parts of myself that I do not like. I continued (and still continue) to process each trigger, addressing each wound as it is uncovered, and somewhere along the way some dark weight that I carried began to shift and be lifted from me.

It’s been two years since that realization. The thought has not returned. For that I am grateful.

For anyone experiencing intrusive thoughts, please know that you are not alone. Trauma, PTSD, anxiety, OCD, depression all create the false belief that healing is not possible. I am here to tell you it is possible. It may not always be pretty, but it is possible.

Do not suffer in silence. Reach out and find support. Seek professional mental health help if these thoughts are interfering with your daily life. While therapy is not a one-size-fits-all solution, every tool that you gain is one you can use in the future. Healing is not about erasing the past, rather it is about learning to move forward despite your past in a healthy manner.

You deserve peace. You deserve healing. Most of all, you deserve to know that you do not need to suffer alone.