When Toxic is “Normal”
For many people who have grown up in homes where abuse is frequent, toxicity can be so normal to them that it’s comfortable. That can sound a little crazy to the outsider, with little to no trauma, who looks in and can plainly see that this person, in their adult life functions from a place that is not healthy.
Growing up in this type of environment, we know as children, that it doesn’t feel good. We don’t like it, we are often scared, alone, and without any safe outlets because anything that gets back to our abuser will likely lead to more abuse and we will be the abused or witness it. Often children are forced to learn quickly that their silence is expected. No, their silence is DEMANDED! The family secrets are kept locked away and we are not to share that information with anyone. It’s actually not to be spoken of at all. Yet, once grown, we can repeat patterns. This also seems crazy to the person looking in from the outside.
Yet, when you begin to look at factors that contribute to this it all makes sense.
We understand what we know. We can normalize even the worst behaviors because as children our abusers are often trusted individuals, parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, babysitters, teachers, preachers. police officers, etc. We are taught to love them, and often there are moments of goodness and kindness that we’ve felt before the abuse starts. It creates conflict in the child so that the child begins to blame themselves for the abuse that occurs. We begin to navigate this “normal” and we know how to navigate it, we learn quickly, and we carry that into adulthood. This was essential to our survival. We can then carry that into our adult lives.
Relationships with unhealed individuals are difficult to navigate. We struggle to regulate and even feel safe in environments and relationship dynamics that don’t mimic or mirror those we grew up with. We don’t want those relationships, but we will be most comfortable in them, because this feels like something we know how to navigate and function in.
In high school, my freshman year, I dated briefly over the winter a wrestler who also attended the church I did. He was kind, fairly well adjusted, and smart beyond his years. After about a month and a half or two-month period we dated and attended church together. One evening we went to youth group, and he drove me home. As he pulled up and parked his car, he said he needed to talk to me. I don’t remember the exact words, only their impact on me. The gist was, that while he liked me and thought I was really nice, he could not be my boyfriend because he said I needed to work through the things that had hurt me. He promised to remain my friend. He wasn’t wrong. At that point, I had so much work to do on myself it felt like an impossible amount of damage to overcome. I considered his words and tried to work harder at healing.
Toxic can feel normal and those of us who have navigated this and come out on the other side can recognize how damaged we’ve been and shown up in previous years. Some people will sit in this space for long years, some their entire lives. Safe doesn’t feel safe and they will often sabotage and create situations that escalate and become toxic in nature because they don’t know how to trust anything but the toxicity they have known. These people struggle to maintain relationships, often blowing through best friends and relationships quickly. They are often surrounded by chaos and if there is not chaos in their lives, they create chaos and feel as if they are the victim of their own behavior. They often indicate an outcome they want, for example “A strong, healthy relationship” but the way they show up does not lead to the outcome they want. People who are frequently offended by others, while the same behaviors from themselves are seen as warranted and necessary. Those who struggle with the boundaries others put in place and try to blow through them like the Kool-Aid man blew through walls in the commercials of our childhood. Often, even when these behaviors and inconsistencies are pointed out they will adamantly deny them and will see the person who pointed it out as a threat. They will be the forever victim while others become the villain in their stories. Frequently, this lack of self-awareness carries a heavy penalty for those who dare to question or point out these things.
A level of self-awareness must be possessed in order for anyone to move past this type of behavior. It is possible to heal, and to navigate through these behaviors. We have to put in work, we have to adjust our perspectives, we often need counseling to navigate these changes and shifts, we have to be willing to put in a lot of hard work, take responsibility for our actions, and change the way we show up. It can be done. It can lead to a new normal that is beautiful, because it is calm. When someone has put in the work and found the peace and health that come with it, they will work hard to protect that peace and those healthy relationships. We also know and can admit that there have been times when we’ve shown up and been toxic to others and that we have harmed others because we were unhealed.
If you are struggling, if you want change, I hope you will seek the help you deserve to find a new normal, a safe normal, and a healthy normal. Life is beautiful when you do.
